Grieving and Healing

It's funny how my last entry was titled "Saying Goodbye" b/c that seems fitting for this entry as well. Anyway, some of you know, but I feel like I need to write a little about this b/c I need to get my feelings out, so here it goes. Last week, I had a miscarriage. This is EXTREMELY devastating and I don't wish this on anyone! I know some of you have been thru this, and before now, I never knew what to say. Now knowing what you went thru, I'm soooo sorry and I wish that I could have been more of a support for you. I also am sorry for any of the ignorant things that I may have said b/c of not knowing what you were going thru. Not to be mean, but those people that have no idea what this is like don't need to really say anything (except maybe "I'm sorry."). I haven't had a ton of people say this, but I really hate hearing "Don't worry, you can just have another one" or "Well, at least you have 2 kids already". These statements are true, but really not the point at this time! I know that everyone means well, but to me at least, these statements just hurt more. I know that I was only 12 weeks and so the baby wasn't even big enough for me to feel yet, but I already "felt" that baby and loved that baby, and really already was holding and playing and looking at the baby (in my dreams). I'm grieving a loss of a child and having 2 already and having the option of having more doesn't really play into this equation at this time.

I also opted to have a D & C done as well. I've talked to some of you and some have had it, some have done it naturally, and some have done both. At first, I thought about just letting my body pass it naturally b/c I really didn't want to spend the money (nor did I really want to have a surgery), but later on that day that I found out, I decided on just getting the physical part of the healing process done and over with. As I just said above, I heard all sides of this option from my friends and family that have gone thru this. Most were on the side of the D & C, but the stories were enough to worry me a bit. But, I still went thru it. I will say one thing, on a positive note, the drugs they give you to knock you out really are the "good stuff" (as my MIL says)! :) Anyway, according to my doctor, it was a really good decision that I made to have the surgery when I did b/c if I tried to do it on my own, I would have surely ended up in the hospital. So, I guess in the long run, it was the right thing. So far, physically, I'm healing well. I really haven't had bad cramping or any of the other unpleasant things that go along with the recovery. Emotionally, though, well that's another story.

It's ironic b/c this all started to show last Sunday. At church that day, we had a special guest speaker that was talking about loss and the grieving and healing process. Truly, until now, I really couldn't fully understand what he was talking about b/c I have never lost something (besides my animals - which don't get me wrong I'm close with my animals and am very said when I've lost the ones I have) so dear to me. Without going into detail, he and his wife lost there son a year ago and his sermon circled around that the whole time. Anyway, so I get home and I notice that this is happening and now it's all a little too ironic and weird for me. In his sermon, he talked about how he was upset and even though he knew there was a reason, and that God loved him and was there for him, he still had a hard time praying b/c he was upset, sad, confused, etc... While I appreciated the real emotion and can understand (to a point) where he was coming from, I still didn't really know where he was coming from. Well, now I can honestly say that I do. I truly don't know what to say to God. I don't really want to pray b/c I'm upset. I know that God has a reason for why this happened. I know that He loves me and that things will work out. I know these things, but my heart hurts and really doesn't know what to say. I guess that only thing that I know is good is that God still loves me and He is there for me, even when I don't know what to say and even when I'm upset and hurting! God is GREAT and I do LOVE Him! I just have so many questions...

So, as you can see, I'm struggling. But, I don't presume that to end anytime soon. I know that over time, it will get easier, but I'm not rushing it. I will say though, that I had a step in the healing direction today. I had dogs to groom today for the first time since this happened. I have been cooped up in the house for this whole last week (on my accord) so to have people come over and for me to get back into my normal routine for awhile was really nice. I really love to groom, and today I really felt that. I was relaxed and encouraged today by that milestone. I know it sounds silly, but for me, animals are such a big part of my life, and I swear by their healing powers that they have. As little and silly as it may be to some people, though, it was still a great step in the right direction. Along with the grooming this morning, this (me writing this), is also great step in healing for me. I haven't talked to many people outside my little circle. I did, however, talk to a friend the other day that I actually was able to encourage b/c she had been thru the EXACT same thing and didn't have as many answers as I already did from my doctor. That made me feel good that even when I feel awful, I was able to help someone else. That is why I decided to post my feelings about what I'm going thru. I know that I'm not the only one that is, or has, gone thru this. But, I didn't really know how many people I knew that had been thru this until I said something. I hope that thru my grieve and healing that I may be able to at least be there to help someone else, even if just to let them know that they are not alone and what they are feeling isn't wrong. Thanks for listening/reading and thank you for the prayers and thoughts. I love you all.

Goodbye my little one. I love you so much.......