Grieving and Healing

It's funny how my last entry was titled "Saying Goodbye" b/c that seems fitting for this entry as well. Anyway, some of you know, but I feel like I need to write a little about this b/c I need to get my feelings out, so here it goes. Last week, I had a miscarriage. This is EXTREMELY devastating and I don't wish this on anyone! I know some of you have been thru this, and before now, I never knew what to say. Now knowing what you went thru, I'm soooo sorry and I wish that I could have been more of a support for you. I also am sorry for any of the ignorant things that I may have said b/c of not knowing what you were going thru. Not to be mean, but those people that have no idea what this is like don't need to really say anything (except maybe "I'm sorry."). I haven't had a ton of people say this, but I really hate hearing "Don't worry, you can just have another one" or "Well, at least you have 2 kids already". These statements are true, but really not the point at this time! I know that everyone means well, but to me at least, these statements just hurt more. I know that I was only 12 weeks and so the baby wasn't even big enough for me to feel yet, but I already "felt" that baby and loved that baby, and really already was holding and playing and looking at the baby (in my dreams). I'm grieving a loss of a child and having 2 already and having the option of having more doesn't really play into this equation at this time.

I also opted to have a D & C done as well. I've talked to some of you and some have had it, some have done it naturally, and some have done both. At first, I thought about just letting my body pass it naturally b/c I really didn't want to spend the money (nor did I really want to have a surgery), but later on that day that I found out, I decided on just getting the physical part of the healing process done and over with. As I just said above, I heard all sides of this option from my friends and family that have gone thru this. Most were on the side of the D & C, but the stories were enough to worry me a bit. But, I still went thru it. I will say one thing, on a positive note, the drugs they give you to knock you out really are the "good stuff" (as my MIL says)! :) Anyway, according to my doctor, it was a really good decision that I made to have the surgery when I did b/c if I tried to do it on my own, I would have surely ended up in the hospital. So, I guess in the long run, it was the right thing. So far, physically, I'm healing well. I really haven't had bad cramping or any of the other unpleasant things that go along with the recovery. Emotionally, though, well that's another story.

It's ironic b/c this all started to show last Sunday. At church that day, we had a special guest speaker that was talking about loss and the grieving and healing process. Truly, until now, I really couldn't fully understand what he was talking about b/c I have never lost something (besides my animals - which don't get me wrong I'm close with my animals and am very said when I've lost the ones I have) so dear to me. Without going into detail, he and his wife lost there son a year ago and his sermon circled around that the whole time. Anyway, so I get home and I notice that this is happening and now it's all a little too ironic and weird for me. In his sermon, he talked about how he was upset and even though he knew there was a reason, and that God loved him and was there for him, he still had a hard time praying b/c he was upset, sad, confused, etc... While I appreciated the real emotion and can understand (to a point) where he was coming from, I still didn't really know where he was coming from. Well, now I can honestly say that I do. I truly don't know what to say to God. I don't really want to pray b/c I'm upset. I know that God has a reason for why this happened. I know that He loves me and that things will work out. I know these things, but my heart hurts and really doesn't know what to say. I guess that only thing that I know is good is that God still loves me and He is there for me, even when I don't know what to say and even when I'm upset and hurting! God is GREAT and I do LOVE Him! I just have so many questions...

So, as you can see, I'm struggling. But, I don't presume that to end anytime soon. I know that over time, it will get easier, but I'm not rushing it. I will say though, that I had a step in the healing direction today. I had dogs to groom today for the first time since this happened. I have been cooped up in the house for this whole last week (on my accord) so to have people come over and for me to get back into my normal routine for awhile was really nice. I really love to groom, and today I really felt that. I was relaxed and encouraged today by that milestone. I know it sounds silly, but for me, animals are such a big part of my life, and I swear by their healing powers that they have. As little and silly as it may be to some people, though, it was still a great step in the right direction. Along with the grooming this morning, this (me writing this), is also great step in healing for me. I haven't talked to many people outside my little circle. I did, however, talk to a friend the other day that I actually was able to encourage b/c she had been thru the EXACT same thing and didn't have as many answers as I already did from my doctor. That made me feel good that even when I feel awful, I was able to help someone else. That is why I decided to post my feelings about what I'm going thru. I know that I'm not the only one that is, or has, gone thru this. But, I didn't really know how many people I knew that had been thru this until I said something. I hope that thru my grieve and healing that I may be able to at least be there to help someone else, even if just to let them know that they are not alone and what they are feeling isn't wrong. Thanks for listening/reading and thank you for the prayers and thoughts. I love you all.

Goodbye my little one. I love you so much.......

Saying Goodbye

Last night was an interesting night. S, the girls, and I went to celebrate the final Summit service last night. For those of you who don't know, The Summit was the church S and I went to before we came to the church we are at now. When we left The Summit, we knew it was the right time for us and there were some negative things going on then that we didn't want to be a part of anymore. It was hard to leave some of our friends behind, but we knew what God was wanting us to do. Actually, to be completely honest, we went back to visit one time (after we left) b/c someone came back to visit, and it was awful! I felt so out of place, uncomfortable, and just knew that we had made the right decision. Well, about a month ago, the news came down that The Summit decided to disband honorably. Of course, there was some turmoil with all of this, so they decided it would be good to invite everyone that has ever been to The Summit to come back and celebrate what The Summit meant for them. When I heard about this, part of me was sad to hear that it went down like that, but the other part of me felt like this was going to happen. I know that sounds mean, but I'm just being honest. Anyway, S and I decided that we would go b/c it would be good to see everyone again.

Well, last night was the night. Heath Bottomly came back and lead worship, which was wonderful. It truly felt like the beginning times of The Summit. It started to bring back such great memories of S and I dating, my SIL and BIL going to church with us, and the friendships and "family" that we had made there. Of course, this was a service of sharing, so tons of people got up and shared what The Summit meant to them. At first, people talked about the funny stuff, but then started in some of the great memories that would make you sad b/c they aren't there anymore. :( That was the hard, and surprising, part of the night for me. Like I said earlier, I knew that we were to leave The Summit, and I haven't looked back since, but after hearing Heath play and sing, and some of my friends get up and talk about the things that meant so much to them, I actually cried. I was actually crying tears of sadness. Even S was surprised at my reaction. It was definitely a weird night, but such a great night at the same time.

It's sad to see that The Summit no longer is in existence as a church building, but I must say, The Summit lives in all of us who went there. All of us have some good memories and some great stories to tell. God was moving in The Summit at one point and now it is our job to continue moving where God wants us to go. The Summit will live on in all of our hearts, and I just pray that the good part of The Summit (the part of building relationships and lasting family-like friendships) continues to move forward into other churches. I can tell you that is something I realized I feel is missing at my church now. Don't get me wrong, I love our church, but last night made me realize that even thru the bad, we really had some great friends and relationships at The Summit. Part of me feels that we are not quite there with that at Westgate. I know that some, if not most, of that has to do with me, so that is what I'm praying God works on me with.

Well, I just lost all thought in my head now, so I better get going. I actually need to get ready to go b/c I'm taking Diesel up to Dewey, AZ today with my best friend and her dogs to go herding some sheep! Diesel loves it and I'm so excited! :) So, I best be getting everything ready for that. If some of you reading have ever gone to The Summit and you wish to share your experiences, I would love to hear them. :)

Dr. Appointment

So, we had our second Dr.'s appointment today. As most of you know, the first few are nothing really, but this one was exciting b/c we got to hear the heartbeat for the first time! :) At first, my doctor had a hard time finding it, but finally she did and we were able to hear it loud and clear! That was just music to my ears b/c I was starting to get a little nervous. She also said (which she has never said before) that she thinks that it may be a boy this time. I know that is all depends on who you talk to b/c some say a fast heartbeat is a boy and some say a slow one is, but S and I don't care! S, especially, is holding on to that thought until we know for sure (which should be sometime in January). Of course, S's dad swears it's going to be a girl (and he has not been wrong yet-with 7 grandchildren so far) so we will all have to wait and see! :) So, that's the update so far. I'm 10 weeks and 4 days, so almost out of the first trimester! :) YEAH!!!! This pregnacy seems to take forever this time! LOL :)

Halloween Pics

Sorry these are so late getting out. I had a few minutes and wanted to share them FINALLY! As you can see, I didn't get much of the girls riding on Diesel, but the one where he is pulling some kids, that was when we were at Scott's store and gave carts rides to kids for free! Diesel was VERY good and enjoyed himself as much as the girls. :)

Baby News

So I had my first doctor's appointment today. Nothing much to report with these appointments in the beginning b/c there is not much done. But, I did at least get a estimated due date and how far along I am at this point. My due date is June 15th, 2009 and I'm 7 weeks and 2 days pregnant. June 15th seems so far away!!!! :( Since I'm only 7 weeks, it was just a tad too early to hear the baby's heartbeat (even though it's already beating), so I will go back in 3 weeks. by then I will be 10 weeks and should be able to hear the heartbeat with no problem. The girls were so excited to be able to come to the appointment with Scott and I. Jordan is especially excited! I think the only reason Tatum is excited at this point is b/c she knows, and sees, Jordan react the way she does. Anyway, just wanted to update everyone on the doctors appointment. Even though we didn't hear the heartbeat today, going to the doctors' makes things a little more real to me. Oh yeah, the best part, I weighed less at the doctor's office then I did at the gym or at my mother-in-laws house!!! YEAH!!!!! To be exact, I was 4 pounds lighter than what my MIL's scale says and 2 pounds lighter than the gym. That was the best part of today! :) Well, off to worship practice. I will write sometime this weekend and have pictures from Halloween. Just to give a hint, Diesel is part of the girls costumes this year! ;)

Reflection

I was looking at my past posts the other day and loving every moment of what I wrote. I loved reading all about Hawaii and the fun horseback rides, along with the hula dancing that S did! It was like bringing me back to when we were there.

At the same time, though, I came across some of the entries that I wrote about the Bible Study I was doing on David, and the one we were doing at church. To me, I heard such passion and such excitement in what I wrote! It was so wonderful! Although, at the same time, I was discouraged. I can honestly say that I'm not in the same place. I wish I was, but I feel like I'm in a hole and can't get out. I've noticed that I'm not as excited to be in God's Word as I was then, and have difficulty keeping with it. I also haven't been journaling at all! Of course, then along with this stuff and not being connected to God as close as I would like to be, made me very questionable about the Bible Study we are doing now at church. Well, after a good talk with one of my friends, and after Bible Study last night, I think I have hit a turning spot in the road.

I think, well I actually know, that I was letting all the little things of this world get to me more than it should. I was trying to do things myself and not just surrender them to Christ. It all came to me last night as we were doing the Bible Study. We are studying Philippians and we are going thru each verse and pulling out observations and getting to the meaning of the text. At first, I was looking at it like homework and a class in school, but last night I realized that I'm just stubborn! I know what most of you are thinking... "You, stubborn? No not you! LOL " Yes, I know, I'm very stubborn. :) Anyway, we were talking about how Paul was confident in Christ and spreading the Good News. He was in jail and chained up, but still held strong to preaching the Word of God. He also talked about the positives to living and dieing and how he would continue to do God's work either way. He of course, would have been very content dieing and being with Christ, but knew that for the moment it was better for him to be alive. He was so confident, so determined, so in love with Christ that he would preach the Word wherever he was. Something about that determination and desire reached out and grabbed me last night. I now am feeling the desire and passion that I had awhile ago. I want to read, I want to journal, and now, I have a much better outlook on our Bible Study.

I would like to ask for some prayer, though. I still feel like I'm on the edge and could go back anytime. The stresses of today's economy weigh heavily on S and I, especially now with the next little one coming along. I pray that even though my head knows that God is in control, I need to just give it up to Him, let Him take care of me and my family, and concentrate on Him and what He wants me to do and has in store for me. My God is an awesome God and He is in control!!!!

sorry

I forgot to post the website for the Prayer Child Foundation. Here you go: prayerchild.org Thanks again for taking a look! :)

Updates and new news

Wow! I can't believe that it's been 10 months since I last wrote. Scary, I know! Anyways, I wanted to update on my last blog first. Kapri is doing wonderfully! I'm so happy to see her doing so well! Her cancerous lump that is on her side has grown, but she has gained most of all her weight back and she is just as perky as ever. She gets so excited to go for walks, and tonight, I was playing with both her and Diesel outside since it was so nice, and she was doing laps in the backyard. I swear she did at least a dozen laps before she decided to play tug with Diesel! YEAH! :)

I believe that was all the updates that I had, so now onto the new news! I'm pregnant again! :) I know, some of you are probably wondering when that changed as Scott (especially him) and I have been saying no for sometime. The truth is, I have been going back and forth on the issue ever since T was almost 2 years old. This summer, though, Scott decided that it wouldn't be so bad to try for one more, hoping for that boy. Of course, we know that God has already decided what we will have, and we will be truly blessed with whatever we have, but we are both secretly praying for a boy. Okay, maybe not so secretly, but still. LOL :) Since I got so big the last time with Tatum, I'm still working out at the gym (my doctor says it's okay), and I'm hoping not to gain any (or at least not much at all) in the first three months. I ended up gaining some of my weight back over the summer with vacations and swim lessons keeping me away from the gym consistently, so I really don't need to gain any weight right away. Obviously, as the baby grows, I will gain some I'm sure, I just want to keep as close of an eye on my weight and health as I can!

Since it's been awhile, I guess I will catch you all up on what I'm doing as well. Most of you know that I am selling Gold Canyon Candles. I absolutely love selling the candles and I love having them in my home! LOL :) The business itself is going pretty well. My biggest motivator is that they have these candles that 100% of the sale goes to a foundation (founded by the founders/owners of Gold Canyon) called The Prayer Child Foundation. This foundation helps kids all over the country with something as little as allergies, to as big as surgeries, cancer, etc... As a demonstrator, I not only can help out families/children in need b/c of sickness and struggles by selling some candles, but I decided to take it a step further and donate some of my commissions to that as well! I also love the fact that anybody can help out this organization by buying the Candles for Kids line, donating themselves on the website, or by nominating someone that you know that is in help. I encourage you all to visit the website and help out if you are able. Not to put a sales pitch it here, but if you are interested in a candle, or want to nominate someone, please let me know. This is definitely where my heart is! I also do a little grooming in my garage ever since I quit to stay home with my kids. That is going well as well, but I must say, I'm so excited that the cooler weather is coming b/c the summer months are just pure torture! LOL :) The most recent change, besides being pregnant, is that I took on the church secretary/financial person about 5 months ago. I am able to work out of my home and basically do things at my own time that works for me. That is what works the best for me! This part of my life has been difficult to grasp as it's not as easy as it may seem, but I think I'm finally getting the hang of things. My biggest problem was organizing and setting myself a schedule since I have these 3 "jobs" on top of being a mom and a wife! It's still a work in progress, but I wouldn't change a thing. I like to be busy, and I like to feel like I am helping out in some way and making a difference in peoples lives. No matter how little it may be!

As I close for the night, I would like to ask for prayer, though. Nothing is wrong, but just with having these things going on in my life, and now being pregnant, my biggest struggle is being so tired. So, my prayer request would be that I just be able to get the things done that need to be done and not to over excert myself. I pray, also, that I don't feel guilty if I do sleep and don't get everything done that I was supposed to (in my plan) that day. I am very critical of myself in that way. Also, please pray for me as I continue to work out. I pray that I just listen to my body and not get so critical on myself when it comes to the weight eventually coming on. Thanks for all the prayers, I really do appreciate it.

Well, I think that is it for me tonight. I'm watching a friends child tonight and I think it is time to do some coloring with the girls. Something different since they are getting tired of what they have been doing for awhile. :)

Sad News

I know I haven't blogged in awhile, and I apologize for that. This entry will be short, but it's very important to me. I will write about other things another day, but right now, I felt I needed to let everyone know about this. Kapri is not doing well. She is definitely slowing down and acting more her like her older self. She still seems happy to go for walks and get treats, and still likes to play a little, but she is more into sleeping in her bed or cuddling with me in my arms! Or course, I love cuddling with her, but it makes me sad as I know she is getting more sick as the days go on. For those of you who don't know, Kapri was diagnosed with a mast cell tumor in the beginning of December. Since she was diagnosed, she has lost a lot of weight (although, I've been able to bring that back up a little and she is now not gaining, but not losing either.) and just started to slow down more and more like I just talked about. Anyway, I took her to the vet today and the vet said that she believes that she has a tumor in her brain or somewhere else in her head. Basically, there is nothing that I can do for her but keep her comfortable until I know she is not anymore. That saddens me greatly!!! :( This is especially hard b/c I will be taking the girls with me up to Michigan to see my mom, step-dad, and brother for week, and I'm afraid that something will happen while I'm away. I'm sure in some ways, if it were, that would be better for me and the girls, but I would really like to be there to say good-bye, and (as silly as this might sound) I would like to be there for Diesel b/c I know that he will morn greatly for her as well!!!!! Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know that this was the news that I got and this is how I'm feeling right now. I will write more about the girls and such another time.